Thoughts about the guys I have been with.

DSC_0023 copy1. You still pop in my head once in a while and that’s okay.. Or so I keep telling myself. I think it’s a bit unhealthy that I still think we could be friends. Maybe it’s just me thinking how much of a waste it is to just throw away what we had. I am not in love with you but I do care about you. I think it’s a bit sad that no matter what, when you need me, I’ll be there knowing that you won’t be for me.

2. What we were was just a casual, no strings attached relationship. You gave me the thrill.. The excitement I needed when I asked for it. That’s all we were and we’ll ever be.

3. When I first met you, I didn’t really pay any attention to you. You were just like any other guy and then you wore that bow tie one night and you sounded so much like a dork I couldn’t help but think, “Wow, how cute is this guy.” You caught me by surprise and I liked how different you were. Everyone thought you reminded me of him and honestly, you did, in the beginning at least. However, getting to know you, I realized how unique you were. What we had didn’t last long but I thought it was enough.

4. You’re my best friend and the one that taught me that life is nothing without adventures.

5. One night of indecency.

6. Your efforts are not in vain. You are probably the one that loves me the most at this moment. But you seem so perfect that sometimes, I feel like I’m not good enough for you. I can’t give my heart not because I don’t love you too but because I don’t know if I love you enough to put aside everything and be with you. Can you?

7. Finally, I found the one man who I can imagine with for the rest of my life. But you, you’re the one that I want but could never have. Once it becomes too convenient, you start drifting away so fast I actually have to pinch myself to make sure that what we have is not just an illusion. I’ve been trying to purge the memories I have of you and going over them one by one to see what I’m doing wrong. I don’t know if I say too much, say too little, do anything too wild.. Maybe, you just aren’t that into me. But if that’s not the case then I think I deserve a little explanation about how every time it gets too deep, you move away. I don’t know exactly how I feel about you now. All I know is that I truly care about you. It might be love and it might not but I’m not planning to tell you.. And I guess, when it ends, that’s my fault for being a coward.


Knock and I might offer you a cup.

429245_10151260241334282_212444690_nSitting in school, watching people go about their life sipping their coffee, I couldn’t help but let my mind wander. The thought of love has always crossed my mind. I was never really sure what type of relationship I wanted in life.

Do I want a serious relationship or am I content with a series of meaningless flings?

I know that it’s always the fear of going through the pain that accompanies love that keeps me from opening my heart to someone new. Yes, you can knock. I might even ask you in for a cup of tea. But you will never stay, for as soon as you sip the last of your cup, I will not offer you another.

After my heart got broken, I started believing that there are more important things than love. Whenever someone talks about love, they mostly only talk about the happy things; the romance, the surprises, the gifts. Frankly, not all love is created equal. Some love saves people. Some creates their happiness. Some love inspire. And yet, you can love someone deeply and endanger their lives. Hurt them. Make a fool of them or even cause them to believe things that they would have never believed outside of your influence. That is why love is the last thing I value in a relationship because it is the first thing to fade.

And yet, with these things in mind, here I am, confused. Denying any indication that I’m in love because while love can give you all the joys of life, it can also destroy you.

What is going to be left of me if I fall?

Not like the movies.

6885516261_17377b0333_zI can’t trust myself not to fall. I can’t trust him not to push me off the edge. I can’t trust myself to be ‘just friends’ and to never want anything more. I just can’t.

We’re done and we sit for those few, endless, awkward moments. I can hear my heart thumping in my chest, both our breaths heavy and in tune. This is the worst part, afterwards, when I know you have to leave like it meant nothing, when really it meant so much to me.

I sit on the edge of the bed with you beside me. I push my toes into my soft cream carpet, keeping my focus on them. Not you. I can’t bring myself to look at you because I know when I do your eyes will ask me where the door is and you’ll have to leave. And I really, truly, most definitely do not want you to leave. I don’t want that awkward goodbye as you walk away from me, and you don’t kiss me or run after me. I don’t want to face that long time alone on my bed, awake yet dreaming of how it could be… how it should be. Why did I ever agree to this?

I can hear the ticking clock in my head, the seconds mocking my attempt to drag this out. And I can feel your gaze on me. Grudgingly, I look up and face you. You smile a small smile and stand up. I copy your actions because I don’t know what else to do. I try to act like I’m fine but I’m sure you can see right through it. If you can see, you never say anything, so maybe you can’t.

We pad slowly out of the door. journeying along the hall, my feet cold on the marble floor. I try to act efficient, clinical, not show any emotion. “Wham bam, thank you sir”, I said coupled with a mock salute. You laughed and saluted back. If I don’t think it then I won’t feel it. Then I smile at you in what I think looks like I’m-really-trying-not-to-care-but-I-think-I’m-in-love-with-you-so-please-kiss-me way, but hoping it comes off as a cool, collected indifference.

Suddenly your arms wrap around me in an awkward embrace, a kiss on my head. Why did you have to be so perfect in my arms? The touch is electric, jump starting my heart. It only lasts a few seconds, and then you pull away and the elevator door opens. There it is. The cool, mocking, reflective box. I look at you through my lashes with an empty smile bidding you goodbye. I walk away. I wonder if your eyes lingered on me the short moment before the elevator door shut. I resigned myself back to my door. You don’t come after me. It would be stupid, of course, if I expected you to. Life isn’t a movie. This is reality.

Chicago, like a girl in her period.

I am convinced that my heart has finally succumbed to this amazing windy city. I have been living here for five months now and I can safely say that I love Chicago. However, during winter, this place is worse than a girl on her period. A week ago, I experienced the worst weather ever with -18 degrees celsius. I had three layers on, a scarf, a beanie, gloves and I still felt like I was in Antarctica. My face was numb and my toes were a few degrees close to being subjected to a frostbite. Today, at 16 degrees, I feel like I’m back in Manila sweating like a pig. I just wish she would make up her mind. Now I know how guys must feel. Bummer.

“Life is either a great adventure or nothing”


A surfer approaches the beach on a perfect morning. The orange sun is just rising over the horizon. The gentle breeze stirs around the scent of salt and the water looks like glass. The man goes into the ocean and maneuvers among the large waves successfully, skillfully cutting and slashing on the face of the swell. That’s the image that appears in my head when I think of Dan, the epitome of the term, soul surfer. A person who surfs for the pleasure and joy of being close to nature. I met him almost three years ago. At that time, we barely spoke two words to each other. Now, he’s probably one of the few people I consider my best friend. Once, he told me that, “Life is either a great adventure or nothing” and that made all the difference in my life.

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Smash is back!

Broadway and musical enthusiasts are waiting for the day when Smash Season 2 finally premieres. You don’t have to wait any longer because NBC announced its 2-hour season premiere this February 5. Yes, you’ve read right. It’s 2 hours of pure Broadway drama, new salacious characters and a lot of music. With Joshua Safran taking over, you will expect more musical sequences and a bigger theatrical worldview.

Rumors are, not only is Jennifer Hudson joining the bandwagon, but Liza Minnelli (Sally Bowles, Cabaret), Jess L. Martin (Tom Collins, Rent), Sean Hayes (Jack McFarland, Will & Grace) will also guest star in the show. Anyone waiting for Megan Mullally and Eric McCormack to come on? I’m secretly hoping for more Broadway stars to share their talents.

Here’s the preview for the show. Enjoy!

Golden Globes 2013

It’s that time of year when we waste a couple of hours watching the Golden Globes (which is not as good as the Academy Awards but since we don’t have anything better to do, it’s okay for now). Part of watching the event is spending a few minutes criticizing people on the red carpet and picking out our Best Dressed celebrity.

Drum roll, please.

The best dressed is…
Golden Globes 2013Julianne Hough, the lead star of “Rock of Ages” and Ryan Seacrest’s girl, stuns us in a Monique Lhuillier gown. She’s the perfect little swan princess. Appropriate too for she début her career in the show, “Dancing with the Stars”. What I liked most about her whole look is her hair, which gave us a more modern rocker twist.

Now, for me.. The worst dressed is a tie between…

Golden Globes 2013Taylor Swift really disappointed me especially since I’ve already seen her wear gowns that are striking and age-appropriate. I expected more from her.

Kaley Cuoco, who I absolutely adore, just needs to remove that sash on her waist, opt for a nude lipstick and clear nail polish. The whole vampire-slash-witch thing is not working for her.